Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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