she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
