Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Your penis caused this!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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