The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
