in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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