I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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