Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
