I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
