It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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