I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
