what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
