literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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