just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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