apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
