if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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