I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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