I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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