first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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