If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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