gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
