Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
