Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
