Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize