My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
