Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
