Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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