Old men and throwing up are my life now.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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