when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
