we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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