Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize