You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
