he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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