does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
