I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
