Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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