i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
