"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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