So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
