proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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