Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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