god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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