I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
