Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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