I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
