the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
