Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize