our cab driver is having phone sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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