dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
