last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
