I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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