My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
