When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm passing your future prison.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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