I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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