if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
