im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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