I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
