your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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