my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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