Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
