what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
