i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
try to milk me bitch
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
