xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
