dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
