I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
