You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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