does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
