Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
